It is natural:
for cows to have four stomachs
for male giraffes to pummel their necks together
for spiders to spin webs
for a rat’s teeth to never stop growing
for houseflies to buzz in the key of F
for elephants, humpback wales, and humans to go through menopause
for starfish to expel their stomachs and digest their prey
for sperm whales to eat a ton of food every day
for chameleons, octopus, and arctic hare to change colour
for Bonobos to say hello by fucking each other
for anacondas to have month long orgies/sex contests
for the common smooth-scaled gecko to reproduce without males
for all clown fish to be born male
for birds to build nests, termites to build mounds, and humans to build coal-fired power plants
for at least 90% of cheetah cubs to die
to kill
for swans to mate for life
for female ferrets to die if they can’t find a mate
for female praying mantids to eat their mate
for Black-tailed prairie dogs to kill the offspring of their relatives
for male seahorses to be pregnant
for koalas to have two vaginas
for koalas to have two penises
for many waterbirds to stand on one leg, though scientists still don’t know why
for elephants to mourn the dead
to feel hungry
for Tyrannosaurus Rex to be extinct
for humans to try and bring back wooly mammoths
for humans to interbreed tigers and lions
for puppies to be born blind, deaf, and toothless
for 75% of wild birds to die after 6 months
for frogs to hydrate through their skin
for crocodiles to eat stones
for humans to build cars
for some moose to try and mate with cars
for algae to grow on the back of three-toed sloths
for the spring peeper frog to survive freezing over winter
to love
for bombardier beetles to shoot near boiling toxic spray of their anus as a defence mechanism
for sea cucumbers to expel their internal organs out of their anus as a defence mechanism
for tarantulas to replace their internal organs during moulting
for horned lizards to shoot blood out of their eyes
to hate
for some humans to be born with what they call Down’s Syndrome
for male bees to be turned out of the hives for Winter and be left to die.
for cuckoos to exploit other birds’ labour
to feel remorse

And it is never, ever, ever natural to be gay.


The description for a Facebook event that I aborted because I suddenly felt ashamed about my unemployment.

Mater University has pushed me out the door and I’m in no hurry to go live with Mother. Life is an adventure, but until then I’ve got to find a job. This job is not good enough. This job is too good. This job said no this job said no this job said no this job said no this job didn’t say anything. This job needs another job. This job does not speak to my intimate passions and interests this job needs a driving license. This job demands skills I don’t have. This job demands skills I don’t even know I have yet. Job job job job.

It’s a race against time for Esmond to spend another year in Edinburgh, can he make it?! Only through the power of FRIENDSHIP AND RELEVANT SKILLS.

It’s not so much that I don’t like applying for jobs as the whole process fills me with such a sense of bewilderment and dread and isolation. And I’d like to bet that it does the same for some of you too. Let’s sit in New Amphion with beers and coffees and beers and apply for jobs together. All welcome, including the employed, because I know none of them will be able to come anyway, the bastards. x

Follow the love that you didn’t see coming

Follow the love that turns up uninvited

Follow the love that sits in the gut and refuses to leave

Follow the love that makes you horny

Follow the love that pulls you deeper

Follow the love that takes before giving

Follow the love that knocks on the door

Follow the love that shoots first asks questions later

Follow the love that is impatient

Follow the love that you fear to thinking

Follow the love that people on the street decline

Follow the love that your parents disapprove of

Follow the love that Hollywood doesn’t see the money in

Follow the love that you got given for Christmas and didn’t want

Follow the love that is an acquired taste

Follow the love that gets fatter

Follow the love that changes your plans

Follow the love that immediately takes its time

Follow the love that keeps you awake then sends you to sleep


This is meant to be a sandbox but I’ve mainly been leaving it outside and playing Xbox and watching cheap American cartoons. Mum doesn’t know what to do with me. It’s been such lovely weather!

Well, okay, there are some other things I’ve been doing that might not go on this blog, and other other things that could go on the blog but I don’t feel are ready to sit at the back of the wardrobe yet.

So I’ve given myself a project to pull my socks up get my arse in gear and get on my bike.

Me and the Bible go way back. I often see obscured frequencies of it somewhere in anything I’ve done. So I’m going to try meeting it a little more head on. Not to excise it from my system, but to explore it. I’ve randomly selected a verse from each book of the Bible, (Method: flicking and prodding and closing my eyes) and am going to write something inspired by each verse. I’ll take it wherever I like; like an undertaker I might bury that verse in its consecrated context, or I might gut it and twist its sinews into something ‘completely new’.

That guarantees 66 posts, now how about that?

Genesis 29:3 Exodus 28:9 Leviticus 13:27 Numbers 26:45 Deuteronomy 19:11 Joshua 21:43 Judges 9:21 Ruth 1:15 1 Samuel 18:10 2 Samuel 12:8 1 Kings 12:9 2 Kings 23:2 1 Chronicles 12:29 2 Chronicles 20:13 Ezra 7:11 Nehemiah 11:6 Esther 5:1 Job 36:12 Psalms 95:5 Proverbs 24:28 Ecclesiastes 8:14 Song of Songs 4:10 Isaiah 33:16 Jeremiah 20:16 Lamentations 4:4 Ezekiel 30:18 Daniel 8:1 Hosea 13:2 Joel 2:20 Amos 8:3 Obadiah 1 Jonah 2:10 Micah 5:2 Nahum 3:18 Habbakkuk 2:8 Zephaniah 2:13 Haggai 1:14 Zechariah 7:18 Malachi 3:6 Matthew 21:1 Mark 9:35 Luke 23:63 John 10:48 Acts 23:30 Romans 14:22 1 Corinthians 11:6 2 Corinthians 8:9 Galatians 2:15 Ephesians 6:21 Philippians 1:27 Colossians 3:5 1 Thessalonians 5:13 2 Thessalonians 2:1 1 Timothy 5:1 2 Timothy 3:14 Titus 3:9 Philemon 5 Hebrews 11:16 James 2:9 1 Peter 2:12 2 Peter 3:7 1 John 4:16 2 John 4 3 John 10 Jude 12 Revelations 22:15

Everything on this blog falls into the seven-category scale below. Sometimes I might say what it is, sometimes I’d prefer you guessed. Apologies to Kinsey.

1. All characters, places and events in this work are fictitional. Any resemblance to real persons living or dead, places and events is purely coincidental.
2. Assigning every letter a number from 1-26, (with spaces as 0) remove all words that do not add up to a prime number. This reveals the name of a 1960s British actress. Read this name upside down and through a mirror to find a cry for help. The rest is made up, though.
3. The outpourings of my soul have in places breached the floodgates of my imagination.
4. I wrote exactly what I meant.
5. Truths dressed up in useful lies to edify the reader and/or massage the writer.
6. The only difference between this and something you’ve read in the Guardian Comment section is that I’ve not been paid.
7. All characters, places and events in this work are real. Any resemblance to real persons living or dead, places and events is entirely intentional.

So an Englishman, a Canadaman and a Venezuelaman all walk into a bar.

And the Venezuelaman says:

“I’m from Venezuela.”

And everyone smiles and nods.

And then the Venezuelaman says to the Englishman: “Where are you from?”

And the Englishman replies:

“I’m from England.”

And everyone smiles and nods.

So then the Venezuelaman says to the Canadaman:

“Where are you from?”

And the Canadaman replies:

“I’m from Canada.”

But the Venezuelaman says:

“No, but where are you from?”

And the Canadaman replies:

“I’m from Vancouver, BC.”

But the Venezuelaman says:

“No, but where are you originally from?”

And the Canadaman replies:

“Well, uh, my family are originally from Taiwan.”

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