A List of Things That Are Natural

It is natural:
for cows to have four stomachs
for male giraffes to pummel their necks together
for spiders to spin webs
for a rat’s teeth to never stop growing
for houseflies to buzz in the key of F
for elephants, humpback wales, and humans to go through menopause
for starfish to expel their stomachs and digest their prey
for sperm whales to eat a ton of food every day
for chameleons, octopus, and arctic hare to change colour
for Bonobos to say hello by fucking each other
for anacondas to have month long orgies/sex contests
for the common smooth-scaled gecko to reproduce without males
for all clown fish to be born male
for birds to build nests, termites to build mounds, and humans to build coal-fired power plants
for at least 90% of cheetah cubs to die
to kill
for swans to mate for life
for female ferrets to die if they can’t find a mate
for female praying mantids to eat their mate
for Black-tailed prairie dogs to kill the offspring of their relatives
for male seahorses to be pregnant
for koalas to have two vaginas
for koalas to have two penises
for many waterbirds to stand on one leg, though scientists still don’t know why
for elephants to mourn the dead
to feel hungry
for Tyrannosaurus Rex to be extinct
for humans to try and bring back wooly mammoths
for humans to interbreed tigers and lions
for puppies to be born blind, deaf, and toothless
for 75% of wild birds to die after 6 months
for frogs to hydrate through their skin
for crocodiles to eat stones
for humans to build cars
for some moose to try and mate with cars
for algae to grow on the back of three-toed sloths
for the spring peeper frog to survive freezing over winter
to love
for bombardier beetles to shoot near boiling toxic spray of their anus as a defence mechanism
for sea cucumbers to expel their internal organs out of their anus as a defence mechanism
for tarantulas to replace their internal organs during moulting
for horned lizards to shoot blood out of their eyes
to hate
for some humans to be born with what they call Down’s Syndrome
for male bees to be turned out of the hives for Winter and be left to die.
for cuckoos to exploit other birds’ labour
to feel remorse

And it is never, ever, ever natural to be gay.


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